VII. 4th of February – A Sapphire in the Storm

This, my friend, is above all a story of time, space and the power of profound interpersonal connections; concretely, this book is a story of how those 3 terms, which we take for granted happily accepting them as lineal and immovable, can be deceiving and malleable, even when reality is right in front of your nose. This is also the story of how I’m willing to challenge everything I believe in to pursuit a gutsy hint from my heart, accepting whatever consequences and seeing it to its final verdict.

And how do you overcome the testing of your foundations? By going on a hiking trip for the weekend, in the middle of a Czech mountain, with work colleagues which majority you don’t even know. Because this, my friend, is the story of a casual and stormy long weekend, where the rules and perspectives would be re-written.

THURSDAY

  • You can… do… this… – I try to convince myself as I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and losing the battle, feeling that all energy and purpose has left my conscious mind. – Is this how it’s going to be like when things get worse and approach the end? Will this be the norm that now is just an exception? – I ask myself while feeling that growing dark seed inside my chest, like a murmur wanting to awake and take over everything I am.

Eventually, I manage to get out of bed and head towards work, knowing that the gym will miss me today. However, and with five kilos lost due to the marathon preparation and the side effects of my condition, I know no one will notice my defeat today. It is a skill I have develop over the years, always reluctant and unexperienced in showing myself as vulnerable, to hide what really goes on behind the curtains of my social and happy face.

I guess we all wear an armour that shines the part of us we want to show, and covers the darkness we don’t want others to see. However, I had become expert on making the shine brighter so that people around me would be blinded by it and never question the real nature of my mood. I knew that, as my condition avances and with the upcoming storm to face from today, the challenge to keep in secret my real self would be bigger and harder. Because of that, I had to live one day at the time, surviving every small battle so that I could continue to lose this war.

I walk through the tunnel that connects Zizkov and Karlin on my way to work, always cold, lugubrious, lonely. The sky today is gray, as most days, and although almost no light will cross that cloudy barrier, no refreshing rain will come out of it either. In Zizkov, where the buildings match the lack of colour up there, the monotony is only broken by the wall paintings all around and the variety of people living in it. And we all are observed by that imponent horse statue at the top of the hill that oversees this part of Prague.

Merging with the athmosphere around me, I try to prepare myself and gather my energy together to put up the act for the day ahead. However, I know nothing will ever prepare me for what I will experience today. But I promised Venus I would go to their flat for dinner after work,  and I know that now more than ever she needs me to be the casual friend able to make her smile and feel comfortable with. And seeing that smile shoul be enough to get through the storm.

For a moment, my armour is up and ready to rumble the day, forgetting whatever it was that happened in the morning, and filled with unstoppable energy. However, as I approach the office main entrance, I am reminded that there are somethings you just cannot be ready for, no matter how hard you try to mentalise yourself.

“Que vida más puta ésta” – I managed to mumble. The most approximate English translation would be something like ‘such a fucked-up life’. “Keep your awareness where your real goal is, you know she deserves the best version of you…” – I thought to myself while keeping my head up and my punched spirit lifted.

Hera, my silent guardian and security belt, being off sick portrayed as an ironic sarcasm of the day ahead of me. But within my mind, time left and ambitions there is no room for distraction. Powering throughout the day, and filling my agenda with meetings, I finally felt my armour was shinier than ever. I guess all I need to do to make it through today is to keep my distance from the storm and focus on what I can control.

– Should we go for lunch? – Venus asked me approaching my table just as I hung up the phone.

– Sure! – I said. – “so much for keeping the distance from the storm…” – I thought.

We walked to a nearby Asian restaurant, and picked a table by the window, while watching the trams and the world pass around us. Venus, sitting across the table, smiled suddenly lighting up the gray day when I handed her a little gift I brought her from Brighton.

– Since I am convinced you are going to be a superhero changing the world, I thought it was more than appropriate to get you a Lego Batgirl keyring. Every time you might doubt about herself, you can see this keyring and remember to belief in yourself no matter what. – I told her feeling lifted all the sudden.

– Wow! Thanks! I love it. It is definitely me. – She replied with a smile that shined from ear to ear. – Now, what’s wrong with you? You just seem a bit off today… and don’t deny it, I know you! – She said disarming me.

– Nothing… Just that the trip to Brighton was challenging. – I said out loud. – How the hell does she do it? – I thought inside feeling that my armour wasn’t that shiny after all.

– From what you told me, you did the right thing… Even if sometimes it’s not the easiest thing to do. – She conforted me with her warm energy.

Alongside with the keyring, I gave her the masks for her and Hera to wear in the company’s Christmas party in just over a week from now. An elegant black and white venetian-like mask that covered her eyes and where the left side would go up in a curve and up her forehead. I thought the “yin yang” spirit of the mask was a clever and subtle way to match her own spirit: bright and dangerous at the same time.

“You know you have to be a friend for her right now, she deserves it and expects it from you, so don’t be that other guy” – I said to myself while Venus shared with me some of her fears result of the changes happening in her life.

“Everything will be ok no matter what” – I assured her. For a second, she made eye contact with me, just long enough to agree, then put her head down and think about what I just said. As I acknowledge what she is feeling right now, there was a halo of vulnerability in her, which must be a feeling as uncommon for her as it is for me. I rushed to assure her that I know she also can see through me and know more about me that I am aware of. Her head went back up again, and her eyes found mines once more: this time, the shine in her big and calming blue eyes transmitted some sort of a question mark of why we have this strange connection. Just for a second, she allowed herself to be aware of the quantum connection between us.

Venus also told me about this hiking trip in the middle of some mountain near the Austrian border, where some of our work colleagues were going.

“You know you shouldn’t even try to go, you are not ready… you will be way too exposed, everything could go wrong…” – a side of my thought instantly. – “But she is going to need a friend, and no one understands what she is going through right now the way you do. Suck it up and be the person she deserves, you have to pull through for her…” – the braver part of me argued.

Let’s be honest, sometimes reality can be a thickle and annoying alarm which we are never going to be fully prepared to face. Perhaps I must go to this trip by all means, face my biggest fears and insecurities, and stand in front of the situation without hiding. There was only one little huge problem: there were no spots left to join the trip. However, where there’s a will there’s a way, and an inner part of me knew I was going to this trip.

Venus and I walked back walked back to their flat for the promised dinner, and stopped at the shop to buy some food for Hera, who was still feeling unwell. For once, we got to be the caring and protecting parent Hera always was for us. We got a bottle of Portuguese red wine which we poured during dinner, while we catch up and learnt more about Venus’ upcoming new job. Hera was sitting next to me, in her pyjamas, with her face red and her eyes looking heavy.

– How are you? – Hera asked me quietly leaning towards me, when we were left alone.

Speechless, I brought my right hand above from under the table and placed it in front of Hera: it was crumbling and shaking as it was my soul. But I must make my armour is shining and impolute: my words and body language need to respond my conscious will so that Venus cannot feel my inner battle. “Look at her smiling… take the lifting feeling and hype of happiness you get every time you make her smile, because you know nothing feels as real as that… she is happy with you being there for her this way. That must be your priority; that must be enough…” – I told myself once Venus came back to the table.

As the dinner comes to an end, I managed to survive through the first battle inside the storm and stay alive to continue losing this war. While I walk back home through the empty streets, even now, my Quantum Self whispers me that I should follow my instinct more than ever…

FRIDAY

  • You can… do this… – I said to myself with a bit more determination than the previous day.

As Friday morning passes by, my chances of going to this stupid trip seem to slip away. However, as the morning is finishing, the “miracle” happens: Hera, still feeling poorly, asks me whether I want to take her spot in the trip.

“Stay home you fool, just chill and keep your head down. Don’t involve yourself into this any further, there is plenty of light elsewhere in the world…” – My restrained side recommended me. – “But it is her shining light the one that keeps me warm and stretches whatever time I have left, and the only one that makes sense to lift as much as I can, for as long as I may. I must go.”

  • So you finally made it? Great! – Celeste exclaimed sitting next to me in the bus.
  • Qué vida más puta ésta… – I whispered while looking through the window and listening to Venus voice just a couple of rows away.

Throughout two buses and over two hours later, sitting next to Celeste proved to be the perfect distraction for the occasion. Listening to her perspectives about the nature of consciousness and her overwhelmth when dealing with the normal daily stressors, was a refreshing perspective to my own ongoing struggle.

We still had to walk for almost an hour in the middle of the night, in a narrow road where the stars and the moon were the only lights in our path. They were enough to daresay how beautiful the woods around us must look during daylight in that paramo in the middle of the Bohemian Switzerland. Now imagine 18 young and loud people from about 12 different nationalities, walking in the middle of a solitaire, dark and narrow road, crossing some villages near the Austrian border, while most of the group is signing and drinking. Only the occasional passing-by cars coming out of nowhere made us company. The fact that we all made it in one piece is a miracle itself.

Finally, we reached our destination: a very nice cottage house, surrender by soft looking hills, just outside a very small village called Budilov. The house had a swimming pool at the front, and a big garden covered in grass that encircled the house from both sides and onto the back of the lodge, where you could find an open and roofed barbeque area next to a volleyball pitch, both way too cold to be used. The cottage had like 5 bedrooms with multiple beds in each one of them. I chose a single bed strategically allocated next to the stairs that led to the main door, so that I could escape in the early morning and explore the surroundings without disturbing anyone. You felt embraced in a homie feeling as soon as you walked through the door, even if it also resembled the kind of atmosphere of an American horror movie. Our host had cooked some goulash for all of us, but that didn’t keep us from continuing the drinking.

Once we finished dinner, and as I was not close to many of the people in the group, I decided to take the leading role in the drinking games. Probably not the spotlight role that I would have preferred to assume, but it was needed. “She needs you to be that type of friend for her right now…” – I encouraged myself.

Laughs kept coming as alcohol went down. Hidden between the general laughter, inside jokes that only Venus and I understood, were followed by a look between us, with an air of mutual complicity. But it is not all sparkles and fireworks. From time to time my lineal time flow stops, and my mind lands in the space of the cold reality of what’s really happening around me, and a part of me vanishes to that growing dark seed inside… As I come back a second later from what felt like a long trip, I can only verbalise that expression again: “Qué vida más puta ésta…”

In that long wooden table, circled by people gathering around the fire place, Venus is sitting by my right side, with her cheeks turned red because of the wine and the tiredness after a long day. She smiles and laughs with some of the stupid things I say out loud, and with some of the things she knows I’m thinking about.

Another day goes by, another day I pull through to continue losing the war. “Look at her smiling at you, nothing makes you feel more alive in this world. Everything else around doesn’t matter; your selfish emotions don’t matter; just take that purified sensation and feel whole. That must be enough you fool…” I rehearsed to myself as Venus walked to her room, while I lied down in the single bed after saying good night to each other.

SATURDAY

The sun is coming through the window on my right, with some birds twitting and a cock cackling somewhere far. My bed, allocated in a somewhat of a common area in the top floor of the cottage, between the rest of the rooms and the toilet, is both in the middle and far away from everything else. It is 7 am and I wake up with a very subtle noise. As I lift my head, I notice is Venus exiting the toilet, and as she heads back to her room, she smiles at me. Her hair is wild and tamed like a big and spongy cloud being rushed by the wind, and her chicks rise blinking her blue eyes. For the first time, she is not only the first thing coming to my mind when I wake up, but also the first thing my eyes meet: the feeling was spectacular.

I jumped out of the bed and got ready to explore the surroundings by myself. Used to go camping with my family when I was a child, I always enjoy discovering and getting myself lost in the middle of nowhere, with no set destination. There is something internally calming and balancing about fantasising about how a particular landscape might have looked centuries before humans made their impact in the world. As I walk around, spotting animals in their natural environment, unconcerned about the futilities of our existence, my mind also wonders and detach itself from my present space and time setting.

By the time I came back to the cottage, around one hour and a half later, people were still sleeping. I rang Hera to check on her. Needless to say, she also checked on me, worried about whether the situation is overtaking me. Hera might not agree nor understand why I feel the way I do or my determination to follow my intuition, but perhaps I really need someone with totally opposite thoughts in order to balance my own. However, I am aware that not Hera nor anybody else will never be able to comprehend the full scope of the story, as no one will ever feel the rightness and balance I feel when I am close to Venus. I guess some things in life don’t happen to be explained or understood by others, but they just ensue to let you drift and flow with them.

– Hera, don’t worry about me, the satisfaction I get from seeing her happy overcomes my own selfish pain. I can deal with that pain, but I am not sure that I could handle the guilt of letting Venus down when the day she will fully need my friendship comes; because I can live with her as my friend, but right now I cannot imagine my life without her being a part of it… and, for this reason, I will be here for her, even if that means that she can never know what I am doing for her, ever… Besides, I definitely can turn this around! – I said in a jokeful tone to ease the conversation.

– Yeah, but you can’t think like that, it’s dangerous… – Hera replied with a halo of paced worry in her voice. And as much as I don’t like to admit it, she was right.

Eventually everyone got ready to do the “official” hiking route of the trip. It was about six hours of walking through the mountain, snow, farms, villages, forest and hidden temples in the area.

As the snow fell harder, the floor began to be completely covered with a white, thick, virgin and cold duvet. For some of the people in the group it was one of the first times they saw snow, and soon after the snowballs started to fly around. I felt that cold slap coming from behind on my right side while I was talking with Celeste, and as I turned around Venus cheekily smiled at me before running away, knowing I would seek for revenge.

Once we continued our route, we found a semi-hidden church with a sightseeing tower. I rushed upstairs to the top to breath the impressive landscape and the horizon. Soon after, we all stopped and gathered on the side walk of a muddy road to observe a nearby cow, who seemed clearly unimpressed by our presence.

– It’s doing my head in…” – Venus said quietly, standing behind my left shoulder, which probably I wasn’t supposed to listen. When I instinctively turned around and made eye contact with her, the expression in my face made her smile even I didn’t need to say a word.

After some moments of nervousness and the tease of being lost in the middle of nowhere, we finally made it home just before the nightfall, and in time to chill for a bit before dinner. As I sent the pictures of the hiking to some people, Venus sat by my side and looked at my mobile screen just to pinpoint at me in an exclamation:

– Who is that VenusWorkMobile contact in your phone?? How many Venuses do you know at work? – She complained with a big smile in her face, while her shinny eyes stared at mines searching for a justification.

– I know a lot of people Venus, I need to make sure I know who I’m talking to before picking up any call, to make sure I don’t reveal any sensible information to anyone… – I replied rising my left eyebrow with an inherit sarcastic tone in my comment.

– Absolutely not… – she replied while taking my phone from my hand. – We need to change that to something more appropriate. – After a few seconds playing with my phone, she gave it back to me with cheeky smile of pure satisfaction.

– Venus the Amazing? Who the hell is that?? – I wondered out loud exaggerating my reaction.

– And I also selected an appropriate special ring tone for me. I hope you like Piña Colada. – She added as she walked off the living room and headed upstairs, before turning around and looking at me with a mocking and joyful expression.

After a shower and a quick nap, we all gathered downstairs and around the big table to have dinner. As the music plays in the background while we start drinking beer and wine, and mixed-up with loud voices and laughter in a distended atmosphere, suddenly my soul got slapped by a cold, deafening and senseless dose of reality that brought me right back to the present moment and space.

Just 3 sentences; 2 innocent questions and 1 harmless affirmation crumble my entire world. I suddenly awake my senses and, for that eternal second, everything stops, and I can only sense the palpiting of that dark growing seed inside my chest.

The world around me keeps spinning, with people talking and laughing like if they were in a different dimension than me; I am disconnected from this reality. My mind wonders everywhere, making more and more corporeal to everyone else that something is off with me. As I lift my eyes, Venus turns her head away with a resemble of suspicion in her look. Me, consummated expert on camouflaging what truly goes on inside my head, being shaken down, triggered by something so insignificant, with shadows whispering at me words sharp as thin knives sticking in my head: “it should be me” – they say over and over again, driving me towards a spiral of self-deflection and self-absorption.

Just before the start of yet another great round of drinking games, I slinked upstairs discretely. As I sit down in a stool in front of the dark corner, and right next to the bathroom door, I texted to whom was going to become my second confident in this story – Sapphire.

As I struggle to find the words to explain Sapphire the conflict inside my head, Venus pops up to take a shower, and just like me, to hide from the noise downstairs and call it an early night.

– Are you ok? – Venus said, and even if she was the only person in the entire room who knew the answer to her question, she was the only one who asked.

– Yes, I am fine… There’s just something I need to take care about. – I tried to justify, vomiting each one of those false words, and barely making eye contact with Venus. For a second, she stood there, like if she wanted to say something else, but went into the bathroom instead. “Why didn’t you make her laugh? Now she will be worried… don’t be that guy…”

As she walks outside of the bathroom around 20 minutes later, she finds me still in the same chair, with the same drink, still with a grimed and worried face, and tries to make conversation again:

– Are you not going downsairs again?

– Nah, I think I’m going to call it for tonight. I really don’t feel like dealing with all that fun downstairs today. I will just go to bed when I finish my drink. And you?

– No, we are going to sleep now, I can’t be dealing with that either. I might go with you to explore the surroundings tomorrow morning, it depends how tired I am. Good night.

– Good night Venus.

And, just like that, they went inside their room and closed the door behind them, while I stayed impassive in that stool, looking at the dark wall in front of me, isolated from any physical stimuli around me.

Because this, my friend, is above all a story of time, space and the power of profound interpersonal connections; concretely, this book is a story of how those 3 terms, which we take for granted happily accepting them as lineal and immovable, can be deceiving and malleable, even when reality is right in front of your nose. And, sometimes, the smallest thing can crash your world like a house of cards, forecasting the reality that lies beyond your fool imagination. Sometimes all it takes is 3 sentences, made of 2 innocent questions and 1 harmless affirmation. And those sentences were:

– Do you know what Venus gave me as a welcome present to Prague? 2 tickets for an Enrique Iglesias concert in May that I don’t even like… shouldn’t they be meant for someone else that is not me?

The person behind those words, as you can guess, is Venus’ boyfriend, who moved from Mexico to live with her just before I went on my trip to Brighton.

Surprise, surprise. As I said, sometimes time and space can be deceiving even when we perceive them loud and clear. Furthermore, there is a whole deeper and secret meaning to understand in full the real repercussion of that simple conversation. It is not only that I do enjoy latin music, like Venus does; or the fact that he cannot appreciate the importance that this concert means to Venus; or the lack of valuing how lucky he is for receiving a “welcome present” that I will likely never get from her. It’s all that and a much deeper and darker reality that, as you can imagine, I am just not ready to share with you yet.

You see, when I mentioned before that on Thursday all the sudden I realised there are somethings you just cannot be ready for, no matter how hard you try to mentalise yourself and said the “que vida más puta ésta” mantra, it was Venus and He together that I was seeing for the first time outside our office; when I mentioned that we spoke about some of Venus’ fears that day during lunch, we were talking about He and how she feels He might run away if He doesn’t settle in his new life here, while I tried to assure her no one would be that stupid to just leave her; when I went for dinner at Hera and Venus’ flat, it was to meet him, to make He feel more welcomed into his new life, since we share a similar cultural background… Just because I knew it was important to Venus; when I insisted in coming to this trip, I knew that I would see them together all day long, going to bed together, interact, cuddling… yet I knew I could make her laugh and help her forget about her fears…

However, as I observe them together in the prudent distance, their interaction, chemistry, body language, compatibility… dangerous thoughts encroach my mind, filling it with mixed feelings: everything that I am screams at me that it should be me. But I cannot allow myself to drown and get lost in those tempting and warm thoughts. She doesn’t need me to be that kind of guy.

As you can now guess, Venus didn’t whisper behind my shoulder “it’s doing my head in”, but rather “He is doing my head in”, as He showed struggle to socialise and integrate with the rest, which inevitably dragged Venus’ own freedom of spirit and socialisation throughout the day.

Because when I spoke with Hera that morning, I tried to explain her the insanity that somehow keeps coming back to me filled with sense: “after seeing them together, and me and Venus together, you can definitely agree with me now that we would certainly be better together!”.

However, some unstoppable force keeps driving me back to her, even if sanity dictates that I should stay away. The truth is that, now that all my lights will start to banish one by one, she is the only star which light still makes me feel alive, hopeful, purposeful. Just for that, I owe her to be the friend she is being for me.

Because I can live in a world where we don’t have a happy ever after; a world where she will never truly know what I feel for her, what I am capable of doing for her, and the depth and transparency of my feelings; a world where we will spend our lives wondering what would have happened if we had heard our basic instincts, ignoring all the noise and social rules around us; a world where she is happy with somebody else, as long as she is happy…

But I cannot live in a world where I have disappointed Venus; where I haven’t done what’s right for her because I was doing what was right for me; a world where she is not part of my life and I am of hers… because, right now, being a part of her life gives me the biggest meaning and purpose to all the great challenges left ahead. Because she is the silent and unintentional inspiration setting in motion my last crazy path towards the rabbit hole of Quantum Psychology.

And, at this point, seeing her smile, even if it’s next to He, must be enough to push me through another day to continue losing this war… she is worth it.

SUNDAY

The next morning, and after the late conversation with Sapphire, I lied by the swimming pool, face up, looking at the bright and blue morning sky, having a “me” moment, thinking about nothing and everything at the same time.

The morning was freezing, and even my 3 layers of clothes and the snow jacket couldn’t stop a soft chillness feeling in my back. While everyone else sleeps, I find a tempered mind peace like finding an oasis in the middle of the desert. The quietness and appreciation of the present moment drove me to some sort of meditation and concentration state. As I stop paying attention to my physical senses, I start to see some sort of illusionary figures in the air moving randomly with freedom and in unison of their own will. With the shape of a sort of a transparent bacterial worm, they just appear and disappear in front of the infinite distance between me and the sky up there.

A bit later on during my concentration camp, some bright sparkling dots pop like tiny fireworks and mix with the bacterial worms, like in an uncoordinated dance with no deeper purpose other than entertain my focused mind. As the unexpected spectator of that unreal show, my thoughts become more and more abstract until I reach a level of inner introspection where suddenly an idea starts to take shape in my conscious mind.

Perhaps our quantum energy and how it interacts with other people around us when communicating is powered by sparkles of energy thrown by the atoms, which trespass and interact through us constantly. Perhaps it is through those brief sparkles of atomic energy, charged with the specific set-up of your energy in that moment, what the receptor perceives and interprets when reached by those subatomic sparks. Then, depending on the complicity and the Quantum Entanglement stablished between both communicators, it will determine whether the receptor is able to accurately decipher the quantum message. Intriguing to think about, lying by a swimming pool in a cold morning near the Austrian border.

I feel like I should tell you more about Sapphire. Sapphire is the only person that I know in this world that, despite being emotionally as beaten up as myself; despite all the shit she has lived and dealt with; even with all the huge demons inside herself that hold the power to destroy her in the blink of an eye; and that despite all the handicaps she has faced in her life, she is still a totally functional and inspiring human being. I have nothing but admiration for her. When I’m with her I feel she understands my struggle to really connect with other people, or how sometimes you go through certain things that change you forever, and the constant fight with the darkness there after.

The previous night, when I texted her saying that I was going through a moment of struggle because of a very special girl, I sensed her thinking that I might had been declaring myself to her. I don’t blame her for it; you see, Sapphire’s name comes from the colour and shape of her eyes: beautiful, hypnotising, round blue, filled with dozens of different shades and colours, deep and pure; and, at the same time, if you dare or care to dig deeper and manage not to get lost inside her eyes, you will encounter a certain shadow with a pinch of melancholy. Her skin is tanned like toasted caramel, and if you pay enough attention you will find some soft and blurred freckles around her nose and cheeks.

Sapphire doesn’t need to use extensively long sentences to express what she wants to say; her real communication strength relies in her body language and her ability to listen and depict other people’s body language. This rare skill allows her to verbalise only what and when she needs to say. To the ignorant mind this might be interpreted as lack of intelligence, but nothing further from the truth. If you are not tricked by the appearances, you will find that she has a formed and reasoned opinion for almost any topic you might think of. It is entering into a high level conversation about anything with her, enriching my own point of view, what I enjoy the most about spending time with her.

To be honest, unfortunately not many people manage to see through the first barrier of overwhelming beauty, just like Ulysses’ crew struggled with the syrens in the Odyssey. Pity, because Sapphire true value and beauty is hidden to the eyes of the conformist observer. There is a special halo around her that most people translate as the wrong kind of attention. The attention that she really doesn’t want, yet she cannot escape from. And that, her having a boyfriend, has brought her all kind of problems, dramas and disappointments finding out that people approaching her with interest had nothing in mind but their own satisfaction.

This has happened to her way too many times, therefore it is understandable that when I approached her talking about a crisis caused because a girl I really like but that I cannot be with, she was already expecting the worse from me. “This must be what Venus would feel like if I came clear with my feelings… I can’t do that to her.” – I thought to myself reading Sapphire’s reaction through the texts.

But Sapphire can rest assured that is not the case. My attraction towards her is purely psychological, although I can understand and relate to a point why almost any person attracted to women would feel attracted to her. I still remember the first time I saw her, walking down the office where we both work, wearing a black dress on her second day at the job. Somehow, I had the hint that there was something about that apparently quiet and shy girl that wasn’t exactly how it appeared.

Because she is capable of having a thin balance within her self-destructive side filled with some sort of emptiness that transpires from the back of her eyes. The type of subtle emptiness that can never be filled. An intrinsic and constant pain that needs to be restrained and checked to avoid an unstoppable self-explosion.

Two things became clear to me soon after I met her: firstly her huge inner potential for success, driven by an extraordinary mental strength (that she is not fully aware of) and nurtured by her old-natured soul; secondly, it was also clear to me that, given her past and inner demons, she needed someone pure in her life able to appreciate her as a whole and to hold her should she ever sit on the edge of the abysm again.

I appreciate her complexity as a person and the value she brings to my life, therefore I can only cherish and look after her beyond the perception most people reach. Even if, sometimes, she will never be fully aware of the ways I take care of her.

Coming back to the last day of my great weekend away, as you can imagine Sunday was a calmer day overwhelmed with tiredness, hung overs, and the road trip back to Prague. As we all walked back to the bus stop under the blue sky with pure air to breath, I found myself in a conversation with Venus and He, as I have done in different occasions during the weekend in order to support Venus.

What does He have to be the person that conquered Venus’ heart? Well, I am quite biased to answer that question, but I will try to briefly describe He so that you can make your own mind. The first thing I must say, in all fairness, is that He is not a bad guy at all: I would actually say that he is a kind, quiet and calmed person with an honest heart.

He respects and cares about Venus in his own way, and that’s all I need to know about him to be honest. I don’t think I would be able to restrain myself if he wasn’t, even if I don’t believe in violence. However, Venus is intelligent and threating enough if she must to take care of herself without needing anyone to do it for her.

His hair and eyes are dark, his skin is tanned, and you can easily guess that he worships and dedicates all kind of attentions to look after his body. His cheeks are prominent, and his countenance could be confused for the Greek canon of beauty. His tone of voice is low, his words scarce and his body language is quiet, with a sort of a hint of shyness and vulnerability. I can only wonder and hope whether he fully values and appreciates his luck and the opportunity he has been given in life.

Perhaps I am just forcing an extraordinary exercise of lying to myself to find some hope where there is none. Yet, for some reason I cannot depict, my mind and inner self urge me to stay on course and do whatever is right for that girl… All kind of ideas and thoughts cross my mind as we walk down that bright path surrender by nature and beauty.

“I shouldn’t think things like that… She deserves better than that. Get your shit together! You must upgrade your game, forget about your crazy ideas, and just be the friend she needs you to be… No matter how much it hurts inside, just suck it up and truly care for her, selflessly. You have the incredible superpower to make her laugh, and that must be enough for you…” – I said to myself as I saw them walking away together when we arrived to the bus station, while I headed home listening to music, carrying my back pack and the incredible weight of the frustration with myself.

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