VI. 31st of January – The Weight of Being Able to Flatter

  • You can do this… – I tell myself in front of the mirror before leaving the flat.

However, today wouldn’t be another normal day. For example, no gym session to awake me, as I will be flying straight from work to Brighton, in the UK, where I used to live. Why? Because today seems like the perfect day to fly away and take care of a couple of things long due, since I moved to Prague just over a year ago.

As I walk in the lone and proletariat streets of Zizkov, where the repetitive communist buildings mix with the graffitis and the underground bars, the Sun also seems to be on a hurry to bring light today. To everyone else, it might seem just like another day, although there is a sense of anticipation and excitement growing inside of me. Maybe I’m not going to the gym, but I feel more energetic than ever, knowing I will finally catch up with Venus. On the other side of the scale, that same anticipation weights in the opposite direction, feeding the dark seed inside of my chest, aware of the storm Venus involuntarily brings with her.

  • I have been thinking about what we spoke in the balcony… Consciousness must be in the middle of it! – Celeste jumped at me as I prepared my coffee, while she took her pills to control her narcolepsy attacks. With her, and given her deep interest in yoga and other forms of meditation, you could always find an approach from a consciousness, mindfulness or self-awareness for pretty much any subject.
  • Yeah, it is for sure. It’s just a matter to which extent, or how deep and broad can that influence go. – I replied knowing that the topic had been buzzing me all night, and that indeed this time it was a matter of consciousness.

Maybe it was in that part of our consciousness, which is not ruled by the macroscopic physics laws, where the seed of all that has meaning was. After all, it was through feeling my Quantum Self how I had made the biggest decisions in my life. But how big and central could its influence be in the way we experience reality?

For instance, just over a year ago, when I decided to leave Brighton and my apparent perfect life there for an uncertain new beginning in Prague, a city I had never been before. I guess I was never good on settling or getting stock, and something within my nature desperately needs the constant sensation of growing, moving, evolving. My ex-partner and flat mate at the time, Elizabeth, didn’t understand it for sure. After all, she knew how much I loved the two dogs we had in common as well. And, to be honest, they had been a strong reason to go back for visiting, although it had become harder since Nika passed away… However, this time my visit would be a lot more than a nice catch up for Elizabeth, as I needed to make the inevitable decisions of what’s to come, even more considering my time is ending.

  • How long are you going for? – Peter asked me from across the table as I was a bit absort on my thoughts and work at ha
  • Just for five days. Enough to disconnect and spend some time down at the bech with Leo. – I replied with a warm smile.
  • You must be missing your dog, he looks so cute in the pictures. Don’t worry, we will make sure things are steady here. – He concluded with his usual comfortness.

I went back straight into thinking about our consciousness, rehearsal the conversation I would have in a few hours time in Brighton, remember the amount of things I needed to take care of while I still could, or to the normal work challenges, while walking to have my lunch.

  • Are we going out this weekend? I heard about this great party and you are my perfect wingman for it! – Francesco exclaimed as we crossed paths once more. Always with his vivid brown eyes, and his black, short, yet very looked after hair, with an inheritent optimism in his voice even if he must’ve know the answer by now
  • I can’t sorry, I’m going to England for a few days. Maybe next week! – I replied as I continued my walk.

The light was intense and coming from all the big windows that surrendered the office. You could hardly say how cold it was already getting outside. Compared to Zizkov, and even if they were adjacent neigourghoods, Karlin was a much more modern, business centered area in Prague, rebuilt from the floods that took place just over a decade ago.

How am I going to be able to come to work when things get worse? How big is our consciousness at the centre of the Linked Chain Theory? I need to print my boarding card too… – I kept thinking to myself as I walked friskly around the office.

  • Hola, cómo estás? – I heard behind me, in perfect Spanish, and stopping time and space around me, as every fibre of my being anticipated who I was about to see when I turned around.
  • I am good! It’s great to have you back! – I replied trying to hide my raging heartbeat, as my eyes encountered Venus looking at me with her round, magnetic and empowering smile.
  • It’s so good to see you! – She added giving me a hug that suddenly blanked my mind and whatever it was I was thinking about. In that moment, I didn’t even remember my own name.
  • And you too! We have missed you. But I hope visiting home was good… Plus I can imagine now things will be better with the new job and all the other changes happening in your life… – I said unable to finish the sentence as a small cloud enclaustered inside that dark seed inside my chest.
  • Yes… It was, and they will… We should catch up. Maybe you can come to our flat to have dinner, I’m sure Hera will be happy to cook something. – She said unable to finish her sentence as well, and aware of what that dinner will encompass.
  • I will love to… But after I come from England please. – I concluded feeling the urge to go away before Venus, always able to see right through me, sensed the fear growing inside of me towards that meeting.

I would never hesitate to visit Venus and Hera in their flat. In fact, we had had very remarkable moments and dinners there. But this time was different. Not only because of my secret condition that I needed to keep away from everyone. But also because of all the changes approaching and over which I had very little control. It will definitely be good for me to get away a few days… – I thought as I waited to board the plane after work.

Before I knew, I was already unlocking my old flat’s door, which was still under my name. I could hear Leo sniffing the door and getting excited to see me, making a velociraptor-like noise, and making a struggle for me to be able to open that door with him pushing on the other side. After rolling in the floor with cuddles and excitement to see each other, the big and noble golden retriever walked inside into the living room, where Elizabeth was sitting and watching tv.

Elizabeth is one of the kindest people I have ever known, and I have always admired how, despite the multiple bumps and challenges she has lived throughout her life, she still has a halo of innocence and naiveness in her soul. She is the kind of person capable of transmitting peace, calm and positivity to those around her. Her delicate brown eyes tell a story that is much deeper and complicated that what it would seem from the outside. However, I always felt that she didn’t give enough credit to herself for everything she had accomplished in life, and somehow  that transcended into the way she felt about the possibilities of others to thrive, including myself.

Her voice is quiet, as it is her body language, but it all changes if you make her giggle. She is the type of person that is almost impossible to hate at first sight because of her kindness and smile. Nevertheless, as with most people, her biggest enemy is inside herself: there is a subconscious mental handbreak of negativity that often makes her tend to focus in the worse outcome of a situation. As I knew she would be flying away to Russia, her home country, the next day, I didn’t have much time for catch ups and chitty chats before dropping the bomb I had come to tell her:

  • So… You want us to move out? Is that what you came here to say? – Elizabeth asked me with a dropped expression as I told her the big and needed changes to come.
  • Yes, I do. Or, at least, to change the contract under your name. It doesn’t make sense for me to have it under mine, since I don’t live here anymore… – I replied with a straight and cold face, knowing that I couldn’t tell her the real reason for the rush decision was also that perhaps my time was ending. – What would they do if I just die all the sudden? – That was a question that had haunted me way too many times lately, and which I needed to solve.
  • But… where are we going to go? You know how difficult it is to find a flat where they accept dogs… Don’t you care for us anymore? – She insisted almost in tears and trying to understand my decision.
  • I am sorry… But, trust me, it’s the best for both of you. You both will have more stability and security if you are in your own flat. And I will transfer Leo’s chip details under your name too.
  • I don’t understand… But it is what it is and I know you do your life how you like so… Can I have at least sometime to find somewhere else?
  • You can… – I started to say while mentally calculating how much time I could give her before I might lose my ability to make decisions. – You have around three months.
  • Ok, thank you… You know, I wish things had been different… I miss Nika. You never talk about her, and now you say this… Sometimes I think you never cared about us at all… Do you ever think about her?
  • More than you will ever know… – I said quietly knowing that Elizabeth would never be able to understand the real depth of what I was going through, or the quest I have just started. Knowing that she could never imagine how often I remembered Nika, or looked at her pictures, or stare at empty space feeling guilty for what happened to her… And I knew her ignorance came from my own hermetic silence.

As I lied down in the sofa bed, Leo came next to me looking for cuddles, and his big cold nose touched my hand on the edge of the sofa. It was like if he could sense that I needed a cuddle from an old friend after what I had to do. I knew I had hurt Elizabeth, but also how necessary it was. After all, she will not be the only one required to surrender a piece of herself by leaving that flat in order to allow further growth. I had countless happy moments caged between those walls. Probably the most stable and homie moements of my entire life. I often asked myself why that type of life, that seems to work so well for everyone else in this society, never truly fit with me. Why a part of me decided to saboutage it and leave it behind without the certainty that anything else in my life will ever feel warmer.

But it didn’t matter, because sometimes, in order to do the right thing, you must give up something that comforts you. To me, that flat was the closest thing I could call home; the kind of refuge you can go back to if everything goes South. Within that walls, whatever was left of Nika was claustered too.

I knew I couldn’t tell Elizabeth the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I had to stay firm and emotionless in the outside in order to make sure my message would get through to Elizabeth with the serenity and conviction that I have. Deep inside, and hidden behind my coldness and harshness, a happy part of me was detached and anchored into the pass forever. It is in the places where you find meaning and connection where a part of your soul or Quantum Self stays entangled and anchored, and to me that part was ready to be left behind.

Sometimes you will need to hurt someone you care about in order to do what you feel is best for them, taking the risk of being wrong. Often in life, there is no clear line separating what’s right and what is not, my friend: things get muddy, messy, blurry. In fact, you might be required to sacrifice a part of yourself in order to achieve a greater good.

I spent the next days reflecting into everything that place and city had meant to me for many years, and how I was able to thrive there when I left Spain and my hometown in pieces. I also made sure to give to charity every single possession I still had in that flat, as a psychological way to further confirm myself my decision. We are talking about clothes, furniture, most of my Lego collection (my great childish passion and hobby!), memories, souvenirs, movies, books… Where I am heading to, you will find little trace of me.

There are only three objects that I will be taking with me back to Prague: the only few pictures left of me from when I was a child, a pink tutu which I will use to run the Prague marathon, and a few of my drawings from when I was a child. For whatever time I have left, I will need no objects anymore, as they are noise that distracts us from the real meaning of life: the very same one I am determined to unravel through Quantum Psychology.

Especially, I spent the rest of the days trying to prepare myself for what’s awaiting for me in Prague, that next step in this uncertain journey with no clear destination. The very same one I cannot renounce to, even if I should. And what’s waiting is the sound of the storm. But there is something liberating from learning that time and space are no longer a dismissing factor in your life anymore, since it might not be much of it left.

As for what’s pure and transcendent in life, time and space is relative and not lineal. And, whatever the price tag, this journey into outer space is only one question away from launching. A secret question, with the power to change my entire life, that was sealed in a rooftop, during New Year’s Eve…

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