The alarm goes off at 05.55, but I have been awake since 05.07 and mentally working out all kind of random things. Thoughts and ideas flying throughout my head and across my room, searching for their place in reality and in the day ahead. Gathering energy and reasons to continue “business as usual”, despite since recently ago nothing feels normal anymore. But I cannot let my unchangeable circumstances drag me down. This is a quest which I cannot afford to lose.
I get up and make myself ready; my bag ready; my clothes ready; my food ready; my spirit ready. And I pray not to forget anything. ‘You can do this’ – I tell myself out loud in front of the mirror before heading outside. In the cold streets of Zizkov, Prague, it is still very dark. However, the first sun rays start to strive in the horizon.
Like many people in my generation, I am an expat currently living in the Czech Republic, or how they call it these days, Czechia. I have been here for over two years, since I finished my Master’s degree in England, where I lived for another 4 years before here.
Like many other millions of fellow expats, I left my home country, Spain, early, and everything else I knew and took for granted behind. Because I belong to a generation where the macro economic dynamics and the political indecision have pushed us to find our path somewhere far from where we were conceive to thrive.
And, don’t get me wrong, those of us that have that choice, are actually the lucky ones. In fact, many of the friends and family that we leave behind will never understand our drives and the journey we experience while living abroad; while re-discovering yourself and your environment. There is something common to the ones that jump into other country: an inner sensation of unsatisfaction and ‘wanting more’ from life than what has been given to us. Like an inner quest that pushes you to challenge all your instincts, comfort zones and principles.
There is something inherent as you start to diverse the scope of your perception towards life: the search for connection and meaning. Because it is when all your given and learnt connections are left behind, when you truly have the opportunity to enhance the true value of the profound connections we make in life.
For me, I was just a teenager when I started to question why what we perceive and learn about reality, time, space and interpersonal connections, feels so incomplete and partial. Maybe that’s why I studied Psychology; or why I decided to move away from everything I was twice in my life; or why I have been searching for those compelling answers in the sciences and theories I could grab my hands around, finding only narrowed answers; or why I started to design a theory of my own, Quantum Psychology, to summarise and enhance all those clues I found.
However, none of my curiosity or motivation would have mattered at all if it wasn’t because of the connections and moments we share with those we care about. Furthermore, I am even writing to you right now my invisible friend, because of the most deep and profound connection experience I ever had just a few days ago; it was only then when all those floating ideas I have been forming for years started to fall gracefully one by one, finding its place into the path we are taking together right now… But we will get to that.
I am on my way to the gym by 06.25, walking through the dark and silent streets of this bizarre neighbourhood, while my head is raging at full speed while my body still wonders whether I am awake. As I prepare myself mentally and physically for that marathon I must run, I try to work out other things inside my head. I guess anything that keeps me occupied instead of thinking about the growing and killing seed harvested inside of me.
‘This will be a battle that I will not lose’ – I say to myself as my body still wonders if I am awake or not. But which factors are involved and how we drive conclusions within our conscious awareness about the people and situations we experience? Perhaps there are just too many factors involve to quickly pinpoint and measure them.
For me, at a subconscious level my mind gathers all the available information to work out a conclusion over time; it’s like if you start to collect the pieces to make a puzzle, even if you don’t know what it will look like. Furthermore, those pieces are often directly or indirectly interconnected, influencing each other, such as: body language, your experience and expectations, the context, a mental estimate of the likelihood of all the anticipated outcomes…
But, above all of them, there is a part of our consciousness that is elusive and untied from the biological and social limitations that we experience. It is what I call the Quantum Self, that part of our consciousness that is ruled by the laws of Quantum Mechanics and not the Newtonian laws of the macroscopic world. And it is through that essential part of our consciousness where we are able to connect with a reality bigger than ourselves. But is it there where we can understand the limits and extents of our reality and positions as beings of this Universe?
That was the very same question I have been asking myself for years as I gathered each piece.
It is only once you walked your path and collected all the pieces that you will fully understand the true meaning and purpose of the journey. For us, my friend, this journey has just started and I cannot foresee what’s coming with it. Besides, maybe no one will never even read it for all I know.
Today, the pieces I need to put together by the time I arrive to the office is to put together a plan to revenge a wrong doing in someone I truly care about. By the time I start my gym session at 06.52 I have drawn the steps to follow and how to execute my plan without attracting any uncomfortable question or attention on me. At the end of the day, what I am about to do is something no one should know, especially the person I am doing it for.
I have been running for 21 minutes in the treadmill and my will and energy start to decay. “Maybe I should go earlier to work today and stop now”, “I’m already sweating, tomorrow will be another day”, “I can walk back home to make it up for not running any longer now”, “why the hell do you care on doing this anyway, considering your days are numbered?” – I keep telling myself while parallelly I also feel that, whatever the reason, I must embrace the control I still have over certain things, to compensate it for those I have not.
It is also the perfect time to start channelling my negative energy into a productive action. I confront my ideal world with the real one and how improbable it is that both will collide now; I feel the pain, frustration and anger produced by it, and I foresee the shit moments that are coming my way. Suddenly I feel full of energy, in a negative way of course. I’m angry, hurt, sorrow, powerless towards the storm that is already clouding my mind and that I know I won’t be able to avoid.
I dwell into that feeling for a few seconds, drowning myself with all that negative energy. Then I think about my goals and visualise myself channelling that negative energy into the energy I need to run faster in that treadmill; just for a second, I visualise her eyes smiling at me and I forget about everything else in this world. It works, so suddenly the road in front of me is shorter. I picture myself running that marathon under 4 hours and how achievable it is. I picture myself surviving the inner war I must endeavour; I decide to allow my feelings of not being in control of what I really care raise; but at the same time regain that control by deciding what to do with those feelings.
I am now a bit readier for the secret battle to come; that battle where I know I will lose, but with the solid objective to make it out alive to fight the real long-term war. I am determined; I am crazy to the eyes of the world; yet my subconscious has thrown at me the clearest puzzle I have ever felt, and I am nowhere near giving that idea up.
I arrive to work at 08.02, saying hello to Peter across my table as I sit down with my coffee. Soon after, all the rest of the tables around me in this open-style office start to populate. This company is not like most in many senses: here, the work relationships you make with your colleagues, often trespass the limits of the professional frame, digging deep into your personal life.
Once I start calling, I smash it throughout the day. I headhunt talent for different genetic diagnostic companies, which means that I rarely have to time overthink about anything during the day – which, given my situation, is just perfect. Finally, I bump into Francesco. Always ready to talk, I knew exactly what I needed to tell him, as I had worked out on my way to the gym. The conversation lasted less than a couple of minutes, but it was enough to plant the seed into making things right for that person. Now everything is in motion.
I leave the office at 19.27 and darkness is already invading every inch of light through all the big windows around me. By the time I get home at 19.58, I have just enough time to eat something light for dinner (hurrah for the suicide marathon mission!), finding Peter sitting in the balcony and smoking as usual. Didn’t I tell you this company is a bit more unusual than most?
– Do you want some? – Peter asks me, as usual, with his green and honest eyes as I sit down with him, while I wait for the pasta to boil.
– No, thank you. I am here only for the good conversation. – I reply, as usual, while admiring the stars in the sky.
Just as most evenings, we have a quick chat about different random topics of life. With his formation and interest in oriental therapies, I always found something relaxing about his way of speaking, specially after a long shared day at work. For tonight, I asked him about how he thinks we come up with conclusions about people and situations we live.
– It is hard to say… I guess sometimes you just know things even if you are not able to comprehend why they work out that way. Like if you are meant to do something even if you are not ready to know why you must. – He said as his pupils grew harmoniously as he smoked the joint.
– Yeah… that actually makes a lot of sense. – I said quietly while absorbing those words, and suddenly relating them to something completely different than I had in mind.
– When is Venus coming back, by the way? – Peter asked casually and innocently.
– Oh, that name… The name that accelerates my heartbeat, and the one I cannot say out loud myself… – I thought to myself as I smiled shyly. – I think she is back at the office in about 10 days. – I casually replied instead, and as the instinctive smile gave room to an inner shadow, aware of what will come with her much-wished return.
Once the food was ready and the therapeutic conversation over, I walked upstairs and towards my room and realm. It is 22.19 and I should have felt asleep 19 minutes ago to enjoy my healthy 8 hours of rest. However, every bit lived today made it up for that loss sleep. Besides, where I am going now I cannot afford to ditch any grasp of life with the promise that I can make it up tomorrow, because that is a luxury I no longer have. Tomorrow we reset again from 0, with the determination of walking one step closer towards my goals.
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